Attention please:
I am a mother like many in Iowa and other states who's child do not benefit from a father who will take care of their children. My daughter, a pretty 9 year old girl who just started the 4th grade recently had some heartbreaking news. Let me add some background before i give you all the recent details.
Back in 1996 I met my daghters' father and became pregnant. We were married in Seot. Of that year and I quit school. I had my daughter in May of the next year. While I was pregnant with her we lived with my parents. Then we were to take over a house that my aunt and uncle moved out of, but had to leave because they wanted back in their house and he wasn't paying the bills. Then we moved to an apartment and were kicked out again for not paying the bills. We moved to an apartment in Bedford and moved again because he didn't pay the bills. We lived at his parents house and due to their drama I left giving him a 6 month ultimatum to make an effort to at least try to be a family and attempt to pay our bills. I moved back in with my parents and he came along a wwek later. I had my daughter and the day I came home is when I realized that I had no contact with my friends from school and the only time I had contact with my family was when he was working or asleep. I had to fight with him to give attention to my daughter for even diaper changes and feedings. Twice my parents asked us to help with the bills because the were supporting them, my brothers, and us. When my daughter was 6 months old I went to apply for a job and before I left I had to told him that his time was up and that he was out. I continued to let him stay when he asked "please, for our daughters sake". I more month, I had a job he had done nothing. I talked to my best friend and she and some other friends moved me and my daughter out of MY parents house. Why did I leave? Because I stupidly never told my mom about the confinement or the mental abuse. So they didn't know anything was wrong except for that he would not pay bills and refused to do anything for my daughter or me. They even paid for the birthday's and christmases... And to my embarrassment said they were from me because I couldn't buy her anything. He wouldn't get anything. I had to go to the state for food and medical aide because he wouldn't keep a job, and when I got a job the aide went down drastically.
In the past 5 years I have been married and divorced again. This guy was no better for mental and physical abuse was his speciality. BUT he payed the bills (especially when it was my money and not his) but he did pay. Apparently to controlling people do not function well together. While I was married to my last husband they fought all the time. Of course I was to have no contact (and neither was my daughter) to my ex because my husband said" he's a deadbeat and not worth our time." After a couple of physical altercations with my husband for me and even with court orders for support and visitation my ex decided his daughter was not worth his time or money.By this time I had 2 children with a baby on the way. My daughter was 3 at the time.
2 1/2 years later I was seperated from my second husband legally and in my own house, and my first ex huband showed up conveniently to rescue me. After spending a whole 4 hours mostly talking to me (spending time with his daughter supposedly) he has promised to be there for her so he wouldn't lose her like he did his first daughter.By then he had another daughter but was not talking to her mother or seeing their daughter who is said to have major medical issues. I didn't see or hear from him till 5 months later and by then I had idiotically gone back to my 2nd husband. Again he stopped seeing my daughter. I seperated permanently from him after 5 years of marriage and a few to many beatings on the end of binge drinking from this man. I lived with my parents with all of my children for over a year. I dated very little and tried to maintain some kind of friendship with my 2nd ex for my kids' sake cuz he was the only father they knew. My second child was from a different relationship in between my marriages, but all of them considered him "dad". I couldn't aford my legal seperation for the first year but thanks to his alcoholism I didn't have to worry about it. It helped that he was trying to found a new girlfriend. He found a girlfriend and I ran into a friend that I made when I was divorcing my daughters father. We had been friends all those years but I couldn't talk to him when I was married to my ex cuz that meant I was cheating. So after a couple of dates with me and a couple more with my children we started spending every weekend together at his house with me and the kids getting to know him and him getting to know us. So all together we have been together since Dec. Of 2004. For the first year he got the crash course of being Dad when the other Dad's didn't want to be. We moved in together in the first 6 months we were together and my first ex made a piss pore attempt to try to be a dad when I contacted him and then his new girl picked a fight and even after apologizing I wasn't able to get him to be a part of her life and by then his "SO_CALLED" child support was $50 a month when he decided to pay it. My other ex became that legally in June because my current paid my lawyer. I went through alot with divorcing my 2nd husband but the problem isn't him. After he met his current fiance' who is wonderful to our son and had his new daughter with her he has paid his support every month and spends time with our son (my youngest). Actually, on a rather sad note, my youngests' father was in a horrible accident almost 2 months ago and has been in the hospital ever since after almost losing his life, (HE is getting better one day at a time) But the hardest part is my son is heartbroken cause he has to wait till his Dad has healed and can talk and hopefully remember him before he can see him. My second son just met his real father and they have begun to see each other every week for the past two months. They get along great and already love each other very much.
Recently, after all of this happened in the past two months my daughter asked to talk to me privately. 5 minutes into our conversation she began to cry horribly. She asked me things like "Why doesn't my dad want to see me?" and "Could you please cal him so I can see why he doesn't want me?" and finally "Please mommy, help me find out." After I talked to her for awhile and calmed her I promised her I would think about what she asked and would talk to her after school about ti the next day. I talked to my fiance' about it because she had decided that whether her Dad wanted her or not she wanted Tim to adopt her. The smart move on my part in the past 9 years of mistakes I made that affected my children is that I was honest with them about their fathers. Not mean, just honest. So after talking to my fiance' and my parents I told Kayla that I would try to get a hold of him. I had already had an idea of where he was thanks to friends from Bedford, but I hadn't pursued it because I didn't know if he would run or not. So when she got home from school I told her I would do everything I can. I left a message on his sister's phone because she works at my kids' school. I didn't get a reply. I tried his old email address and left a message and to my surprise after a couple of days I had an offline message. I left a message after finding out where he worked at his work. On the offline the only thing he asked was how I found out where he worked. I returned the message by saying it wasn't hard to figure out after he FINALLY got medical insurance for our daughter. I am still not sure if i actually talked to him or his new wife. I let him or her know that she had asked to have a relationship with him or at least to be able to know why he didn't want one with her and whoever it was would not let go of the fact that I knew where he worked. When I badgered an answer I was told that he did not want anything to do with anybody. So after trying to do what she asked she essentially got shot down in the most cowardly way possibly. He said so (or his wife) in an istant message to me and then I had to let her know what happened. I thought about sugar coating it because it was hurtful, but after alot of thought and discussion with my fiance', parents, and a counselor I let her read the conversation we had. I let her know that I wasn't even sure it was him I was talking to. She cried after she read it and then cried some more. I talked to her and my fiance' talked to her and let het know that he was always going to be there for her. My mother talked to her and finally she came around. She seems happy now and cannot wait for my fiance' to adopt her when we get married.
During the IM conversation I had commented on the fact that at least the child support he was paying previously was going to go up to a more appropriate amount, and he said not for long... Threat. He expects me to support her while he continues to live on like she doesn't exist and currently I have not recieved child support from him for almost 2 months. CSRU says they'll raise his support... When he quits his job it will not matter. CSRU says that fathers who are suppose to pay support will lose their licenses if they dont pay... It will not matter.
I cant even afford to get married much less pay for him to sign over his parental rights and an adoption. My fiance' and I recently lost our home because we couldn't afford to keep it, and we are trying to find another place while staying with my parents and helping them pay bills and do some renovations to their home. I really dont mind because they have always been their for me and the kids. For support, a home, and to help with my bills. We still dont have very much money. We are making due though and my fiance' has been wonderful about all of this. He's my peacekeeper and my rock. Why cant all men be like him? WORD OF WARNING!!! Dont marry unless you are sure because a break-up doesn't cost as much as a divorce. I am reporting my first ex-husband for not appropriately supporting his daughter financially, medically, physically, or emotionally. He is the epitome of a "DEAD BEAT DAD!!!"
Amanda
Corning, Iowa
U.S.A.
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