My ex husband kidnapped our son when he was a baby (we were only seperated, not divorced). For many years, I did what I could to find them. Because I was unemployed due to illness, I had limited resources. I went to the police, they could do nothing without a court order.
So, I went to lawyers, they wouldn't do anything because I couldn't pay. I eventually found them. Then he ran off again just before we were to file the divorce. This time, I was working. I still did not make enough for a lawyer, but too much for legal aid. He got on welfare. Life has been hell since. Besides the fact that I was lost without my only son, I was now being hunted down to pay money I could not afford, for a son I could never see.
I went to the agency to see if they would help me find him, but they refused. I went to the welfare department looking for help, but they refused. I drove the streets, I called mutual friends, I called his family. For years, I lived a horror story of "what if?". My family, friends, bosses all had their own ideas of what actually happened. I have spent years defending my actions. I have lived with the stigma of "deadbeat mom" for years. Nobody will listen.
Now, I finally found them after over 7 years of searching. We got divorced, something I refused to do because I figured that at least I would have some rights when I found them. I was able to take him from school because if that choice. I decided that it was not in his best interests, because I was a stranger to him (luckily, he did know who I was). I went to the courts (I could finally afford to). Because my son was in school at the time, the judge was reluctant to give me temporary custody, even though she thought that what my ex did was appalling.
When we went back for the official hearing, it was a different judge, and his opinion was that I did not try hard enough to find them, even with plenty of evidence supporting my efforts. We ended up having to continue to another date.
Because of the trauma that it might cause my son (he now has four siblings), I decided that my pride was not worth ruining his life. I signed an agreement giving my ex full custody. I received visitation, at my son's request only. Basically, if he wants to see me, he can, if he doesn't, he can't be forced.in the parenting agreement, there is a section that states, and I quote, "the mothers/fathers involvement or conduct may have an adverse effect on the child's best interests because of the existence of the factors which follow". There are check boxes next to mother and father. Father is checked. Below that, the option "A parent has withheld from the other parent access to the child for a protracted period without good cause" is checked as well. THIS IS HIS AGREEMENT THAT HE BROUGHT TO ME!
Now, to my Child Support beef. Because of their refusal to help, and everyone else's, my son does not want anything to do with me. We were apart for far too long. He does not know me. I had him for a couple of weeks, and he was so homesick that he won't come back. He is afraid that if he stays with me for too long, that I might take him from his family. He doesn't want me to call him, only write. Then he won't even write back. His dad told him I abandoned him, but I refuse to hurt my son by telling him the truth. He is only 13, and his dad is the center of his universe. I am waiting until he is older to have that conversation.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I hadn't suffered enough by losing my son; I suffered numerous other indignities because of this. I am being garnished for back child support. I have lost two or three jobs for this. I went to buy a house, and they wouldn't finance me because of this. I had my paychecks for 6 months garnished by half. I almost lost my car, which I had finally paid off, because I got a title loan to pay my rent. People that see my credit report automatically think I'm a deadbeat. I finally have a respite; I only pay $200/month. I have fought with these people over the years, to no avail. My sister and I have been at odds over the years because she thinks there is a different story. That is, until she finally read the parenting agreement with his admission of guilt. Now she sees the truth.
So, I warn all of you. First of all, make sure that you cover your ass if you have children. If there is a separation, make sure to get all the details in writing, immediately. Do not let the support issue slide for any length of time. Once you're on their hit list, you will never get peace. It's a government agency, and they feel as though nobody can stop them.
Second of all, please, just because someone thinks a person is a deadbeat parent, it does not make him or her so. I am labeled so simply because I refused to pay for a son that was taken from me. I offered to pay, only if I could see him. I was refused. I do not mind paying current support, because I might get to see him, or talk to him. But, they are charging me with over $30,000 in back support for all those years I could not find him. And, to add insult to injury, they did not even calculate my support right. They are going off of almost a dollar more an hour than I make. I told them I was making less than that, but they refuse to change it.
On a good (or bad depending on how you look at it) note, they have changed their policy. If this had happened now, instead of over 10 years ago, they would have helped me find my son and bring him home. Makes one wonder if they knew then that something was wrong with their system. This is something that I intend on checking out in the near future. I will be lodging a formal complaint against them, as well as my ex, once I can afford an attorney.
Finally, for those of you that think, well, he's her son, and she should pay. What about those who give children up for adoption? Should they pay? No. They are giving up the rights to their child, so they shouldn't. At least they had a choice
Faye
59635, Montana
U.S.A.
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