I recieved the official-looking fed-ex style pink envelope thingy several weeks ago. $2,100, 000 sweepstakes, hallelulah, saints-be-praised!
Lord almighty, I'm a sucker.
I know better than to get involved in this kind of stuff, but I called them up anyways. I didn't even WANT any magazines. But then I thought, "Well, they might have some interesting ones... Why not?"
So I gave up my name, address, credit-card number, personal preferences (through choice of magazines), etc, etc. All the time, I was thinking "I can cancel ANYTIME for a complete refund! Free stuff! Woohoo!"
Lord almighty, I'm greedy.
I got the "welcome" letter last week, asking me to make my choices for my free gifts. Red flags started waving uncontrollably when I noted they had a pre-printed form-letter that included all the items they were giving to me "extra" for incentive. "We'll give you TWO watches! AND a free digital address-book! AND a whole bunch of other magazines! All if you sign up!"
"But... I already AGREED to sign up... What's with the extra showering with gifts?"
"You're a PREFERRED and SPECIAL customer!"
The pictures of these gifts did not impress me, and it turns out I needed the money back on my card for something anyways. So I just called them up to cancel the account, BEFORE getting my free gifts.
After twenty-five minutes on hold (thank GOD for rollover minutes).
"We'll discount you for half the account, essentially giving you two full years of subscriptions free!"
"No thank you, I need the money back."
"We'll give you this as well! We'll also cut off all remaining payments, essentially meaning you've made all payments in full already!"
"No thank you, I need the money back."
"We have Gas-cards, coupons, discounts to your favorite massage parlors. I'll be happy to cancel your account, and STILL give you all this and MORE!"
"No thank you. I need the money back." (Pauses were caused by attempts to hold in laughter)
"I'll personally come to your house, and wash your car with a toothbrush! Just please don't cancel your account! I can't STAND another hour in the iron maiden!"
Ok, that last one didn't happen, but it was definately the feel I got from her.
Now, I've worked in the over-the-phone-everybody-hates-me-customer-service business myself, so I know they're just doing their jobs... I have no animosity toward the phone-agents. And I calmly explained my situation as best I could. I kept making her aware that "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I REALLY need the money refunded that I've already paid".
The response of "you DO know that you agreed to sign up for a 48 month service, correct?" threw me for a second. But at times like this, I find the best weapon a person can have at their disposal is feigned blissful ignorance of the veiled threat.
"Yes, that is correct. However, I need the money back. Sorry."
"Very well, sir. I'll see what I can do"
Fifteen minutes of hold-time roll on by.
I begin to wonder how many rollover minutes I HAVE.
"Your account has been cancelled, sir, and your credit-card will be refunded in full. Please disregard any further billing information you recieve from us."
As a lesson to anyone dealing with these people, yelling won't help. They're USED to yelling. ALL telephone service personnel are USED to yelling (believe you, me)... But kindness is a weapon they're FAR too used to dishing out, and have zero experience at having to take.
Lord almighty, I'm an evil person.
Pray for me, one and all, that I don't have to fight this tyrant of gift-showering again! Or if I do, that I have gifts I can offer to THEM!
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