After dealing with dead beat parents, in both my childhood and by a nasty divorce of my own, I learned through time some good tips for survival.
1. Know your court system. Learn public access and whether your state has it.
2. Get organized, having your pay stubs, lease, car payment books, tutition cost, scattered around is not a help to anyone.organize these, the plastic binder doesn't have to cost anymore than a dollar. If you need them it will be in a flash. You won't have time to sift through stuff. Keep your orders, and agency information in a different folder.
3. Know your agency, who is responsible for your case. Know them face to face. Know what agency, region, departments you are supposed to deal with, and cut out the middle non-sense. Ask of an account summary yearly and make sure the accured interest is applied. The best way to remember is to ask on the birthday of the oldest child each year.
4. Don't spend time worrying about the facts you can not change. Granted every dog gets their day, though, sometimes we don't recognize it. Spend time with the children you are supporting, keep in touch with freinds and family, create Your own support network, that has nothing to do with the lack of child support. You can't spend your days and nights walking around with a chip on your shoulder. It will make you old too early, and bitter.
5. Finish your paperwork, before you start a new relationship. Many women, though it is tough at times, support families alone. To begin a new relationship during the process of divorce, only throws more complications into the mix. And when the divorce is over, take your time jumping back in the saddle. The numbers show it takes 1.5 times the length of the marriage to overcome the marital habits. So, I was married for 12 years, I have spent 12 alone, and will wait another 6 to straighten out my finances, finish my masters, and see a second child off to college. This before I tangle with another relationship.
6. Put yourself on a budget. A reasonable budget. There needs to be a rainy day fund, allowances, savings. Pay yourself first. Major creditors will work with you. Tuck a little away every pay day. And forget about it. Don't touch for any reason. This is your old ladies fund. Sometimes you might not have but a quarter to put into it, sometimes more. But it might make the difference of buying medicine or groceries later on.
7. Have a goal. Get a goal. Where do you see yourself in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? If you are in a low paying job, work towards a better one, check out grants. Do what you have to do for yourself.
8. Don't make the lack of support a daily issue to your family, co-workers, neighbors. Granted you need to vent. I vent while walking in Metro Parks. Beautiful park system, well populated. It's free. A strong walk is good for your health, your mental well being, and to clear the mind. If you don't have a great park system, like I do, find something to do at home to relieve the stress. Color in old coloring books, take up drawing, reading, sewing, crafts, scrap booking, anything that will occupy the mind.
9. Do not berate, put down or call the dead beat names around the child/children. When you put him down, you are in a way attacking them too. They are after all, the creation between the two of you, from a happier time. The dead beats own colors will shine through. There is no reason to let your ill feelings towards the dead beat sour the relationship between you and the children. They are in a difficult position to begin with, but then to be made to feel inferior, guilty or helpless because of the dead beat undermines the reason you are the better parent. You after all, love them, have choosen to stand by them, and through thick and thin, over time they will see you for the sacrifices you have made for them.
10. Hug your children today, and every day. The burden we choose to carry, or the burdens put upon us by our partners are partialy of our own creation. Not the childrens. Greet them happily, bask in their acheivements, dance in their energy. Let them know, you are there for them.
Sandra
Lorain, Ohio
U.S.A.
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