I hope I got your attention with my Subject. I am NOT the guy who started with the company 14 or so years ago as the "Copy Boy" (If you are one of the few that havent actually heard that success story, go and ask him about it... If you are deaf, send him an email politely asking what Dan needed copies of... It had to be juicy shit). I am not a disgruntled ex-employee that feels the need to come here and cry about how bad or good my experience was while I was at Quicken Loans. I just want that to be clear up front. I realize that there are plenty of current employees that read this site and I just wanted to chime in and say hello to all of my friends that I used to see entirely too often while I worked at QL... And hopefully put a big fat smile on your face... Ear to ear style. Oh, and no, I am not from DETROILET, so therefore I am definitely not The Real Slim Shady (although I am a white boy who can dance and rap... And a few of you have witnessed this). Just wanted to give you all an update and get your fax numbers so that I can send you a copy of my paystub from last month... Not because I would ever refinance with your Titanic of a company, but so that your director can pass it around your morning pow-wow so that YOU know what its like to actually hold a paycheck that is around $12,000... Give or take a few bucks. Yes ladies and gents, it is possible. Only if you believe... If you believe it, you will see it. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles believe it, but neither ever saw it. If Stevie Wonder applied at Quicken (He is still waiting for Katina to call him back by the way), I can promise you that after 2 or 3 slushies, he would drop the red-tipped stick and would divorce his wife (I hear divorce is common practice around there these days) once he saw what she really looked like... That shit is scary. The power to brainwash and take advantage of children that still live in their parents' basements is rampid. I apologize, I want to keep this positive for you... Just in case your bedroom is wired or your mind is being monitored. They have the power to do that, and you signed a waiver to allow them to. Next time, read before you sign your name... During my 1.5 years with the company, I found myself signing my name almost more than Lebron James does... I'M RICK JAMES FOOL! Moving on... If I lost you... Go back to the top and re-read it. We will all wait right here for you. I am typing really slow because I know that you cant read all that fast... Its all good.
Ok... Glad you caught up. I have a couple burning questions that I would like to list to all of my fellow Cleveland office friends. Because you are technically not allowed to contact me or I am not allowed to contact you (yes folks, you did sign that piece of paper upon getting hired... It basically says that once an employee is FIRED, forced out, or resigns, you are no longer able to have any contact with them whatsoever)... So here is what I am curious аbout:
Compound Question #1
Is J-Mo still REAL fat? Is he still REALLY loud and arrogant like he actually f-ing matters? Does he still kiss the other J. Perry's arse on a daily basis? Does that boy still stank like a giant turd that was left in the toilet for 6 HOT days straight without being flushed? Does he still drive around in that itty-bitty Benzo with rims that are so big it makes the car look like a roller skate? Can he still get in and out of that little sub-compact without applying butter to the door jams? Does he still like everything that J. Perry likes, even if deep down he really hates it? Does he still wear suits that wouldnt even fit Gerald Levert? (RIP Gerald, you could sing with the best of them). Does he still walk around and try to intimidate failing bankers with his massive mid - section and little alligator arms that cannot even reach his hips? Does EVERYTHING his team writes still fall out like my nuts used to while I was wearing my 4th grade gym shorts sitting indian style? Fill me in on that lardo... I cant believe he hasnt got hit by a car yet... Accidently. But then again, who would ever want their car to sustain THAT much damage.
Compound Question #2
Does Mazey still clap a lot? Does Wade still twirl is hair? I will say this... During my stint at Quicken, I thought that Mark and James were pretty solid dudes. I would never sit here and talk smack about them because they basically left me alone.in my opinion, they were 2 guys there that actually deserved their position. I know you guys are reading this, and I also know that you are still probably laughing about all of the questions that I had about J-Mo... Again... We will all wait for you guys to catch up.
OK... Is my main man Marshall still tearing it up? Marshall was a breath of fresh air to me, mainly because he also left me alone. Great kid... Did excellent work. Deserves a raise for sure. That boy works hard and he knows his shit. MK, give the math teacher a high-five for me... MM is good people. Tell BW that the poop lip is NOT attractive. What was my question anyway?
Compound Question #3
Did P. Knight get killed yet while on the job? Holy shit... Now there was one dude that should have never made it out the door at midnight while he was leaving to go home. To this day, I still cant believe that he wasnt bludgened in his cubicle. I mean really, as easily accessible as baseball bats were around there I cant believe one of his little teamates didnt take him out... You wanna talk about hearing a cheer on the west side of the MK Ferguson... That would have been the loudest one if it would have ever happend... Every banker would have put their client on hold because of all the madness and cheering going on there... Yeah, he is director material... Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, yeah... Maybe not. Live and learn.
Compound Question #4
Do they still hire and employ amazingly attractive, underqualified women to work there? Women that are dumber than the boxes of candy that they overcharge for in the vending machines? Thats about the only thing that I give J. Perry any kind of credit for. Nice work Steeler fan (Does JP realize that Shittsburgh is our arch rival here in Cleveland?)... I enjoyed the view... Unfortunately, like all beautiful women, most men get sick of them as well. Keep it up though, my friends are still there and since they spend so much time there they have no choice but to shack up at work (Most QL lifers did and now they are paying for it, literally)... If they had days off, they could take care of their manly tendencies elsewhere. Keep feeding them dumb, beautiful trophy woman... That will definitely give them all a reason to actually come to work... It worked for me. I loved it.
Wow... This is probably the longest rant ever for me... I had so much to ask. I hope I didnt offend anybody by mentioning names, but I can care less. You all know what you are doing, as I did while I was there. Since my departure, I honestly do miss a select few people and they know who they are. I wish I was allowed to keep in touch with you guys so I wouldnt have to come here and ask all of these crazy, inappropriate questions. Ask the cheese factory to approve friendships outside of the QL walls. I would totally vote for that... Anyways, hope you enjoyed my questions and I look forward to all of your answers. Make sure you dont reveal your name, god knows you dont want to be put on letter. Thats not good. If anybody has a problem with me airing dirty laundry here, go back into the archives of thousands of ex-employees and look up my digits... I havent changed them. I am easily accessible and not afraid of any of you. The only people that respect you are within those red walls that are covered with fat-heads and dry erase boards.in the real world, you are garbage.
I am heading out like a baby.
Go Browns.
J.
Concord twp, Ohio
U.S.A.
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