This is the letter I wrote last week to Cross Country bank.
To whom it may concern:
Since I am convinced that you get 100s of letters a day like mine, I am going to do my best to make this letter stand out. I am sure that you take the best of them and frame them and enter them in the Irate Customer of the Month contest.
Ready?
Is Cross Country Bank a branch of the Mafia? Your business practices certainly make it appear as such.
Let us recap, shall we?
On May 8th, I paid my bill via the internet. (Please see enclosed copy of e-mail receipt) I got an email confirmation telling me so. But wait! I also got a phone call from Jason in collections telling me that it did not go through, and he needed me to do a phone payment right then! AND pay a late charge, AND pay an over limit fee.
I explained to Jason (the reason I am putting that name in parentheses is because I do not for one second believe that this guy's name is actually Jason) that I would need to verify what he was saying and could I please have a number with which to call him back. That number is 1-866-484-1398. Try that number yourself. It doesn't work.
Oh by the way, you should be aware that you are the only credit card company in the freakin' world that CHARGES MONEY TO PAY YOUR BILL ON LINE! I am on to you though. IF you allowed people to pay on line for free, then they would actually pay their bills on time AND YOU WOULD NOT GET ANY LATE FEES!
I think an insult is now in order.
Kiss my butt. I was going to say *ss, but I am not ready to get that nasty yet.
So, looking at my e-mail confirmation AND my bill shows me that I did in fact pay my bill on time. Hmmm. So take your lare fee and over limit charge and kindly do the Richard Gere gerbil deal. You know, shove it up your Ass. Damn, there I go swearing again.
Let's move on.
Lat year, I lost my card. I called promptly so as not to incur any charges and to save you any charges for fraudulent activity. What do I get for my trouble? A THIRTY-DOLLAR CHARGE FOR A NEW CARD! This is a goddamn (oops, I swore) piece of plastic that costs roughly 7.8 cents to produce.
Here comes another insult. Ready?
LMB. (See if you can figure out what this acronym means. If you can, put $5 on my card)
I also noticed that generous TWENTY NINE POINT NINE PERCENT RATE you are charging me. I read the fine print, and sure enough, there it is in black and white.
If I go over limit, the rate gets raised. But let's see how that works, shall we? I love this part by the way. Congratulations on finding yet new ways to f*ck your customers in the *ss. Oh, please forgive me for insinuating that you engage in sodomy with your customers. That would be an insult to all sodomites everywhere.
I charge $100 on the card. I send you $100. YOU add the interest to my limit BEFORE you credit the payment sending me OVER the limit and triggering the rate increase. Brace yourself, here comes another insult and it is getting bad.
Go f*ck yourself.
I almost forgot the best part of your card.
You charge an annual fee of $72. PLUS a $6 a month, and I love this term by the way, participation fee HOLY SH*T!!! I get to participate and it only costs six f*cking dollars a month! Woooooooohooooooo!
Sir or madam, whichever gender you are that is reading this, please take a time out and BLOW ME! I could care less if you are a 55 year old, 40 pound overweight MAN, gobble my knob!
Needless to say, I will NOT be needing the services of your bank any longer. Please cancel my card as of June 2nd. I regret not being able to send it back to you in little pieces, but I threw it on the barbeque on Memorial Day and watched it melt.
Please feel free to share this correspondence with your cubicle mates in West Virginia. I could certainly lob many insults about people from West Virginia, but I choose not to at this time. I like West Virginia. I got laid there once. You can thank her for sparing you another tirade about West Virginians.
In closing, let me assure you that I have contributed my very last dollar to the Cross Country bank money machine. I have transferred the balance to a credit card company that has no ties to organized crime. Say hi to Guido and Joey Bag of Donuts for me and please feel free to stop by and visit if you ever get to Seattle. I will be happy to show you the sights and give you a Donkey Punch. Or a Korean Hot Plate if you so choose.
Sincerely, and I do meant sincerely, Richard.
(Hint: LMB equals Lick My rhymes with hag.)
I got a call back from them yesterday. They left a message and I could swear the lady was giggling.
Richard
auburn, Washington
U.S.A.
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