I have bone cancer. It's not as serious as it sounds because the doctor tole me that I have nearly 206 bones in my body and only a couple of them have cancer. At least he said he was a doctor. And he was wearing a white coat.
So I go to the Double Duty Dollar Store to buy a cane. This guy there he says "why you want a cane" and I am like " cancer! Duh!" and he sells me a nice cane for a dollar. But you see, as it turns out, all I had was a two dollar bill so the guy says 'I don't have any change unless you want it in pennies but I have something else you might like.'
The Cheap Crap from China Store is where I met my wife and where I found a child abandoned in a stroller that we later adopted (sort-of) so I figure maybe he has something good that I really cannot live without. He hands me this bottle of stuff and it's all brown and a little slimy and he's like 'the last guy I sold a bottle of this to this said it cured his bone cancer'. I looks at the label and it says 'hair tonic' and I axe him 'hair tonic?' and he is like 'yep'!
He keeps the entire two dollars and I leave with a fairly decent re-manufactured cane from China (made of recycled milk cartons!) and a little bottle. I limp home and these cats are following me because the cane still smells like milk. But, whatever. I drink the bottle of hair tonic like the guy says, while my wife massages the leg that has the bone cancer. Then I drink a quart of whiskey to get the hair tonic taste out of my mouth (and my wife off my leg).
I wake up a day or two later and, what do you know? No more cancer! I am so happy I pee my pants. And that's when I discover that the bottom of my foot feels kinda odd. I am taking off my wet pants and notice that the bottom of my right foot has curly hair on it. It didn't have no curly hair on it before I drank that hair tonic! So either that hair tonic that cured my cancer gave me hairy soles or my wife did something weird with my foot while I was unconscious. What do you think?
I am never going back to the Double Duty Dollar Delight store ever again. Even if I do get out of jail and get a couple of dollars to spend. The cane still works though.
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